Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize