my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
