Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
