First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
