I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize