listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
