I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
