my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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