So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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