Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
