I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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