I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
