At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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