Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
