So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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