I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
