is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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