i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
