I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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