i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize