I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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