she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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