At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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