I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
