i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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