I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Im part way to drunk.
I am available for nakedness
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
