Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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