y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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