I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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