remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
