Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
