I should be sponsored by Trojan
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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