I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
