I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
