Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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