Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
