yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
