I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
