On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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