the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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