You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
