I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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