I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
