So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
