Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
