vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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