Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
