You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
