I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
