So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Let's get the cat blown out
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
