Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
