I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
