Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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