Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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