you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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