Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
