either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
