good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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