I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
