I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
