she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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