how can u be prego again
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
